Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Essential Christmas Gifts for Mentalists!

The Masked AMHP™ produced some indispensable products for AMHP’s a couple of years ago. He’s now introducing a range especially for people with mental health issues! He’s called it the Mentalist Collection.

AMHP Detector
Carry this handy device with you at all times, and you need no longer live in fear of that unexpected knock on the door heralding the arrival of an evil AMHP and his or her Sec.12 doctor henchmen. It will detect an AMHP in the vicinity anywhere within 100 metres, and give you those essential extra minutes in order to make your escape through the back door.
 
Disappearing ink

Left it a bit late to get away from that pesky interfering AMHP? Well, there’s another crafty ruse! When they’re about to fill in those pink forms, show you’re cooperating by giving them this innocent looking pen. What they don’t know is that within 2 hours the ink will evaporate leaving no trace! So by the time you get to the hospital, they’ll be presented with nothing but blank forms!

Escape kit

So, despite your AMHP detector and disappearing ink, they’ve still somehow managed to get you into hospital. Don’t despair! This amazing lightweight rope ladder folds away and can be concealed inside a toothbrush holder! Then, after lights out, it’s a simple matter to make a clean getaway through your bedroom window!

Tin foil hat kit

Everyone knows that the ESA and GCHQ are monitoring the entire nation’s thoughts with undetectable microwaves. A great way to protect yourself from this intrusion is with a tin foil hat! This kit contains everything you need to make your own! Will also prevent aliens from employing their nefarious mind control techniques!

Electromagnetic mind shield

Concerned that even a tin foil hat may not protect you from external thought wave interference? This unobtrusive headgear is guaranteed not only to shield your brain from any remote sensing equipment, but will also stop your thoughts from being broadcast on local TV stations and prevent persons unknown from taking thoughts out of your head! Comes in three colours: Men-in Black, Paranoid Paisley, and Lucy-in-the-Sky Tangerine!

Pull Yourself Together and Snap Out Of It DVD

You know the saying “There’s always someone else worse off than yourself?” Well, the Masked AMHP Blog team have tracked that person down and have interviewed him for a special mood boosting DVD!

Feeling down in the dumps? Watching this DVD is guaranteed to cheer you up! There really is someone worse off than yourself!

Comes with a special bonus DVD consisting of someone who’s never had any mental health problems saying motivational things designed to make you feel better! Examples include such classic lines as:
  • “It’s like you’re not even trying.”
  • “Try having a nice long bath.”
  • “Go for a walk.”
  • “There’s no such thing as mental illness.”
  • “It’s all in the mind.”
  • “You’ve no reason to feel depressed.”
  • “Try thinking positively.”
  • “It’s as if you don’t want to get better.”
  • “Try smiling once in a while.”
  • And of course the classic “Just snap out of it!”
Please note: The Masked AMHP has now gone for a nice long lie down in a darkened room. He might then go for a walk in the countryside, followed a long bath surrounded by scented candles. It is hoped that normal service will be resumed on the Blog after Christmas.

8 comments:

  1. Have a banana.

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  2. 4 and 5 are a little bit close to laughing at other's experience rather than laughing with them, though I'm sure it wasn't intended that way? When you're going through those experiences it's more terrifying than funny

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  3. Mr Stoppedbeingwarrantedduetobeingpissedoff.19 December 2013 07:38

    "Pull yourself together"-at least 2 of the classic lines heard in an assessment (not MHA83) last week-spoken by a doctor!

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  4. This article is twisted & devoid of empathy. Coercive psychiatry, which includes the loss of liberty & forced medication with neurotoxic drugs is wrong & form of torture.
    Not only that, but psychiatry itself is based on a lie.
    As Szasz said
    “Classifying thoughts, feelings and behaviors as diseases is a logical and semantic error, like classifying whale as fish.”
    And,
    "Psychiatry is institutionalized scientism: it is the systematic imitation, impersonation, counterfeiting, and deception. This is the formula: every adult smokes (drinks, engages in sexual activity, etc.); hence, to prove that he is an adult, the adolescent smokes (drinks, engages in sexual activity, etc.). Mutatis mutandis: every science consists of classification, control, and prediction; hence to prove psychiatry is a science, the psychiatrist classifies, controls, predicts. The result is that he classifies people as mad; that he confines them as dangerous (to themselves or others); and that he predicts people's behavior, robbing them of their free will and hence of their very humanity."
    Imagine if you had been incarcerated against your will based on what someone thinks you my do & held down & injected with drugs that remove your ability to think, feel & act. Imagine the significance that would have if you had grown up in a coercive, violent &/or abusive family.
    The writer of this piece is attempting to trivialise the coercion inherent in modern psychiatry & in doing so, the lack of compassion they demonstrate is a damning indictment of them & the system they work for.
    Shame on you, & I speak as a former mental health nurse of 20 years.

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  6. Ha ha, sounds like my former therapist (or senior mental health practitioner as he preferred to be known) narrated all of the bonus dvd, wish I'd seen this stuff before Christmas when people kept bugging me for my Santa list. Can I get a discount for ordering multiple items, its hard to decide which I need most?

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  7. In a not so tongue in cheek response:

    Well the special edition DVD is quite clearly lifted from the Crisis Team script in this area of central London. You must have posed as a mystery shopper.

    If you really want to keep the AMHP and their cronies away then round here you can do that by needing a MHA assessment.. Allow police in and then when they call the AMHP - BINGO - they wont come out as you are now safe as the police are in your home. Make sure you then say the words' I have full capacity' so that the police are not 'encouraged' to remove you under the MCA. Talk about mindfulness and remind the officers that mental health services see them as their lackies and sooner or later they will leave.As the police and social workers are not really ever equal buddies.

    At this point- with your pre-prepared running away bag- which all who have been sectioned will have - leave the house ( ensuring no police in wait for a 136) and use your unregistered travelcard and disappear. Leave note on front door refusing entry so that when the AMHP, cronies and lackies come back with a warrant they will force entry and the warrant will have been executed meaning they have to go back to court to get another one. The police will get bored and refuse to attend in the end as they have 'real ' work to do..

    And while you may think the ladder idea is unworkable of course we know that once well enough to case the cells you are now imprisoned in you will note that there is only one member of staff on the ward floor. And chances are they will be asleep if it is night.

    Watch some prison escape DVD's as occupational therapy ,work out a diversion ( which lets face it will have to be pretty major on a ward to get the attn of the staff). But nothing that can lengthen your sentence. In your OT sessions you may have been able to make smoke bombs as part of your 20 min per week art therapy

    Now while I know I have an invisibility cloak I also know that ward staff are not allowed to open my post so luckily Amazon will already hold my wishlist of escape equipment.

    Guess if I list what will spring the door then you wont publish this but hey, I also know that staff have absolutely no authority to remove property that does not present a clear risk so my internet phone and the very short non ligature charger will be very helpful. Of course the GPS and location service is deactivated so I cant be tracked later.

    So I order away and build the jet pack the ward staff wont be awake enough to notice and fly away soaring above London ( which is why you locked me up in the first place)

    Or I can just wangle 30 mins accompanied s17 leave and walk a bit faster than the nurse who is on his/her phone in the knowledge that sooner or later I will lose them .

    You may joke about these things but as the postings above show all of us who have been sectioned will have been traumatised and distressed enough to really think about escaping from MH services. In whatever way that means.

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